Sunday, January 6, 2013

From red to green

"Red crayons - the fat kind that little kids can hold," he explained.
Stop lights.
Cooked lobsters.
Beating hearts.

"I'm green now, so there's no reason to behave that way ever again. I just need some more colors to fill the palette."

I steered from his cerebral chromatism towards more tangible things.
"Have you found your social security card?"

"You know I can't enter any federal buildings. The frequency is just too high."

"But you can mail in the application for a replacement, right?"

"When I get close, you can literally see the smoke coming out of my ears."

I chatted with him for another twenty minutes or so, trying to keep a positive tone. It's like entertaining two separate conversations - my half anchored in reality and his half abuzz with sights, sounds and reactions that no one else can sense.

Through the delusions and scattered rambling, I know he's still in there.
He is my big brother.


  1. He is still your bro, and the brother you knew is fighting his way back through a confusing landscape to you.

    Sending love to you both <3

  2. great blog xxx

  3. Wow Lulu, your blog is very powerful. Through all the noise of the day I am glad I read this. Thank you for sharing.

    Sending smiles your way

    Nike O.

    P.S. You are not the only one that can feel the music. I feel it too.

    1. Thank you so much for the sweet comment. It means a lot.

  4. Lulu,

    Delusions are messy- I've experienced them- I cannot explain the reasoning I had when I was going through it, but I can try... I am so glad you have hope for your brother, a lot of family members struggle. Thank you for sharng another perspective on schizophrenia.

  5. Cool blog!What about following each other?

  6. love these poems -- thanks for stopping by! <3

  7. I'm sorry for what he's going through. I adore you patience to continue on with the difficult conversation, and I'm sure support from family members is important to him.

  8. Thank you for sharing this. I am really loving your blog :)

  9. Thank you for your comment on my blog, Letters from Launna (my nick name LuLu). Very profound words on your blog ;-)

  10. Thanks for leaving the kind words on my blog. You didn't know it, but the blog post you stumbled upon is just a small bit of my story. When I was much younger, my brother was in a similar situation. I visited him a mental institute that has since been shut down. The whole experience changed me from the inside out, I personally think for the better... although at the time for the worst.

    People made me promises too, saying that he would get better... be normal one day. I never believed them. Not one. But he is back. He's himself again. I don't know how but he's here and not an ounce of before has ever come back.

    They said he was severely paranoid, schizophrenic, and bipolar.

    Stay hopeful. Of all my blog posts, this is the only one where I mention about my brother's past:

    It's a very difficult thing to understand from every single viewpoint.