Caitlyn

It's my first day at work and this young girl is an eager stranger
yet something unnerving clouds our introduction and all I can remember is her mouth.

Her mouth with the corners that turn down in a way that makes my stomach sour
even though she has a pretty smile.

A pretty smile, with full lips and straight, white teeth, unaware that its particular phenotype only reminds me of another mouth on another girl.

Another girl who used to be my friend with another mouth that used to laugh with me
and share wine and secrets and shadows.

Shadows now hang low over my brow as I try and focus on her questions
though all I hear is the blurred sound of air pushed through that mouth.

That mouth of a stranger that makes me want to slap her for being such a hypocrite
with the laughing and the wine and the secrets.

The secrets that she didn't tell with her mouth turned down were actually the most telling
...but this young girl is just an eager intern and it is only my first day at work.

Just Visiting -

Laila sleeps.

Her long copper hair is sprawled across the pillow and she breathes slowly, nullifying our morning agenda. Today is her birthday, though, so I don't wake her up.

We spent Saturday night marching up and down Chestnut Street in heels, avoiding the sewer grates and hugging our bodies until we had imbibed enough canned heat to feel warm from the inside. Swirling inside a dark and crowded little dance club, Laila and I sweated out the alcohol with a mixture of house and hip hop, surreptitiously slipping between men, and occasionally breaking for a burst of cool night air. Outside, we made small talk with the door man and patronized all of the boys wearing glasses without prescription lenses. (Most of these boys were also in plaid.) Coquettish banter with almost everyone waiting in line meant that no one was a stranger when we plunged back into the cacophony of the crowd.

The city is alive and we are fresh with the freedom of interlopers.

Deconstructed

I unravel.

Parts once pressured under (or polished over) now boil to the surface. Not a foundation nor a filling fit for public consumption, but now they are steaming up the mirror. I cannot see through the fog. I no longer recognize the inside out girl in front of me.

The damage. The determination. The humor and the tears. The successes and the shortcomings. The memories. The reality. The imperfections and the honesty. The realization, gratefulness and anger. The incongruity and the lessons.

I am stumbling through this flea market where mine are not the only blemished goods for sale. It is a private gallery of low budget restorations. I pick the pieces up, and hold them to my body. I try them on for size. Why doesn't anything fit together anymore?

Q&A

I am good at what I do and, frankly, don't need a communication assessment. Nevertheless, the director required that I participate. The process was silly and the questions irrelevant. I responded honestly, but quickly and without over-thinking.
How long is this going to take?

One week later, I had a twenty-three page report in hand, all after a simple Q&A.

Lulu,

     You have great empathy for others, and your understanding of people can make you a great listener and confidante. Friendship is very high on your list of personal values, and you are most-content when you are in a tight-knit group that features little dissension. You tolerate different ideas and opinions, and you willingly accept people from backgrounds other than your own. You display a heightened awareness of human nature and personal relations. You are usually quite supportive of your friends, and you may even help those who are mere acquaintances. You rarely reject anyone.

     Dimension: Steadiness
     Emotions: accepts affection; rejects aggression
     Judges others by: commitment to tolerate and include everyone
     Overuses: kindness
     Value to others: supports, harmonizes, empathizes, focuses on service
     Fears: dissension; conflict
     Would increase effectiveness with more: strength in the realization of who they are and what they can do; firmness and self-assertion; ability to say "no" when appropriate

He then listed what he thought to be my most intense character attributes...

Patient.
Loyal.
Generous.
Poised.
Opinionated.
Independent.
Modest.
Unsure.








How can a stranger understand me better than anyone else?
Or better.. why does being such a supportive, accepting, generous, and loyal person so often leave me in the cold?

xx
Lulu