Just Visiting -

Laila sleeps.

Her long copper hair is sprawled across the pillow and she breathes slowly, nullifying our morning agenda. Today is her birthday, though, so I don't wake her up.

We spent Saturday night marching up and down Chestnut Street in heels, avoiding the sewer grates and hugging our bodies until we had imbibed enough canned heat to feel warm from the inside. Swirling inside a dark and crowded little dance club, Laila and I sweated out the alcohol with a mixture of house and hip hop, surreptitiously slipping between men, and occasionally breaking for a burst of cool night air. Outside, we made small talk with the door man and patronized all of the boys wearing glasses without prescription lenses. (Most of these boys were also in plaid.) Coquettish banter with almost everyone waiting in line meant that no one was a stranger when we plunged back into the cacophony of the crowd.

The city is alive and we are fresh with the freedom of interlopers.

We are all liars.

Michael: Lulu, I'm sorry. 
Michael: Don't ask me to explain it, just know that I am sorry.
Received @1:18 am


I guess I'm not even going to ask.

---

I haven't talked to Mike since last fall, when I sent him a text message on the long drive home from Toronto. Of course, text would not convey how sobbing tears blurred the midnight traffic while the night weighed down empty and endless. Why was I crying?

Me: Its a shame that our friendship is ruined.
Me: I could really use a kindred spirit right about now.
Michael: It's not ruined.
Michael: You know you can always talk to me.
Me: But I won't. We won't. I'm just sorry, that's all.

We went to high school together but weren't friends until college. His apartment was near the highway and we used to stay up all night on Flaming Dr. Pepper shots and Metallica. A pyramid of Keystone cans displayed on the end table near the front door. Rooms littered with computer parts and guitars. My best friend Jennie was secretly in love with him, but I was the one who slept with him years ago - the night after he broke up with his girlfriend. Jennie never found out.

I wonder sometimes if he didn't just stay suspended there, not knowing how to forget.

Q&A

I am good at what I do and, frankly, don't need a communication assessment. Nevertheless, the director required that I participate. The process was silly and the questions irrelevant. I responded honestly, but quickly and without over-thinking.
How long is this going to take?

One week later, I had a twenty-three page report in hand, all after a simple Q&A.

Lulu,

     You have great empathy for others, and your understanding of people can make you a great listener and confidante. Friendship is very high on your list of personal values, and you are most-content when you are in a tight-knit group that features little dissension. You tolerate different ideas and opinions, and you willingly accept people from backgrounds other than your own. You display a heightened awareness of human nature and personal relations. You are usually quite supportive of your friends, and you may even help those who are mere acquaintances. You rarely reject anyone.

     Dimension: Steadiness
     Emotions: accepts affection; rejects aggression
     Judges others by: commitment to tolerate and include everyone
     Overuses: kindness
     Value to others: supports, harmonizes, empathizes, focuses on service
     Fears: dissension; conflict
     Would increase effectiveness with more: strength in the realization of who they are and what they can do; firmness and self-assertion; ability to say "no" when appropriate

He then listed what he thought to be my most intense character attributes...

Patient.
Loyal.
Generous.
Poised.
Opinionated.
Independent.
Modest.
Unsure.








How can a stranger understand me better than anyone else?
Or better.. why does being such a supportive, accepting, generous, and loyal person so often leave me in the cold?

xx
Lulu