Friday, December 21, 2012

Would you erase me?

She liked to start random conversations about the mature, the macabre, and the unconventional. It was no holds barred, as if she had never heard of age-appropriate parenting.

When I was eight years old, my mother informed me that the holidays are the worst time of year.

"For some people," she explained, "the season stirs up old memories they'd much rather forget." She then told me that many people contemplate suicide at Christmastime.

I sat in the truck next to her, staring out the passenger window while I pondered. It had never crossed my mind that forgetting something might be of benefit. Were there things I wished I could forget? Looking back, there are certainly events I wish had never happened at all. There were grotesque and disturbing things that no child should ever endure.

          But now the damage is done.
          So would forgetting really be a good thing?
          I don't think so.

Time heals all wounds, but memories of how the we sustained them make us stronger. The memory, the knowing, the scar... These protect us from repeated abuse.

To this day I cannot say if my mother just hoped for conversation or if she was leaking the truth. Or perhaps she was purposefully preparing me for the real world.


  1. I never want to forget, I always want to know -- screw the consequences.

    I also hate Christmastime.

    I love this line: "The memory, the KNOWING, the scar... These protects us from repeated abuse." Truth.


  2. There are many things I can't remember. My mind erased them to protect itself. I don't want them back. What I have is bad enough.

    Sometimes I wish I knew for sure, though.

    Love you <3

    1. There are a few things that I'm not sure of either. Sometimes I want to ask, but I'm afraid that the answer will just make me angry.


  3. Everyday is a memory made unconsciously which may be wished to be erased later.
    +To Me It Matters+

  4. my mission (now) is to make sure that he doesn't have to forget, lose any memories.

    his will have a treasured childhood. that is how i will redeem myself.

    i'm probably going to turn that into a poem.